


Alone

by mohinikapuahi



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Episode Tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-10
Updated: 2011-10-10
Packaged: 2017-10-24 11:28:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/262969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mohinikapuahi/pseuds/mohinikapuahi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is only one way Steve can continue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alone

**Author's Note:**

> An episode Coda for E02E03. It wouldn't exist without the direction and suggestions from my lovely friend lolokoa, and wouldn't be half the story it is without the wonderful beta work of alassenya.

Alone.

Those five letters had mapped Steve’s entire life since the day his family had disintegrated.

His mother had been murdered. His father had abandoned him. His sister had run wild and almost destroyed herself. And he? - well, he had turned to stone. He had embraced the rules and regulations, the rigid structure of military life, simply because it meant he didn't have to think. He'd built solitude into a shield, using the camaraderie of the team to hide the fact that he had no friends, no family, and no future except his work. He had become a machine with a frozen heart.

The machine had returned to Hawaii - the place that he loved most in the world; the place that in a different life had meant peace and solitude to him - in order to kill the men who had killed his father. The machine had recruited his team, trained them, equipped them, and ordered them to carry out his revenge against Hesse and Wo Fat. He had built a Juggernaut of vengeance and set it in motion, and only now did he realise the cost to himself and others as the Juggernaut rolled over them all: cold; implacable; and merciless.

He had betrayed them all.

He should have left after he'd killed Hesse. He should have gone back to the Navy, where everyone knew the rules; where everyone had shields as strong as his own because death was inevitable. He should have kept his distance.

He'd stayed, though, and by staying, by surrounding himself with civilians - no matter that they were police - he'd had fooled himself in to thinking that it was safe to relax his guard. He'd allowed himself to become close to Danny and Kono and Chin-Ho. He'd worked with them, talked with them, drunk with them, and laughed with them. Surrounded by their warmth - their love, even - he had started to feel again. His heart had thawed in the blinding sunshine and under the gentle, caring affection of his team, his new family. It was their fault, really, that he had been caught so unawares by the reappearance of Hesse; by Noshimuri; by Wo Fat; their fault that emotion had clouded his judgement and led him to make such stupid, fundamental mistakes.

Just as his father had done before him, he had allowed pride and arrogance to overrule good judgement and common sense. Just as his father before him, he had had to watch others pay the price for his mistakes. And now, just as his father before him, he had to stand alone; to distance himself from everyone around him; to excise all emotion in order to survive.

Now he stood in the operations room and watched the monitors as US forces took down a drug cartel using intel 5-0 had acquired during the case. The small room was crowded, and yet as the minutes passed he felt more isolated than he had done in his cell at Halawa.

He should have felt proud. He should have been happy that his team was getting to see what he did as a SEAL - what he used to do before he'd come back to Hawaii - but he wasn't. He knew them, now, and he knew how they would react.

Twelve months ago he would have refused this for their sake, because he knew they would be distressed at what they saw. Two months ago he would have refused because he was afraid they would despise him for what he used to do so easily. Today he had accepted, because today their reaction would serve a purpose. Once they were here, once they had seen, their perception of him would irrevocably change. There was no stopping it. You couldn’t unring that bell. There would be no going back for him. But that was what he wanted wasn’t it?

He had been proud to be a SEAL. He still was. He did his work to the best of his ability. He followed orders to the letter. He was proud to serve his country and do whatever he was asked to do, without pause and without question. That was what his life was. He was a highly trained weapon employed by the hand of his country and his Government. He did his job with skill and honour and by the light of day he couldn’t be faulted for excelling in his professional life. He didn’t have the luxury of questioning the moral ambiguity of his actions and their consequences.

But in the cold dark of night he was sometimes ashamed of the ease with which he could end a life. He didn’t have to be proud of the lives he took in the pursuit of his duty, and he wasn’t. There wasn’t a night that he didn’t wake in a cold sweat, dragged from sleep by the faces of his victims, his ears filled with their cries for mercy. That they were bad men, perpetrating evil deeds against innocent people didn’t matter to his soul, he was still taking a human life.

Lori made a small noise and he gritted his teeth. She shouldn’t be here. She wasn't team. He didn’t care if she was a crime-solving angel with superpowers. He didn’t care that she was competent at her job, had her own network of contacts that were useful to them and didn’t mind slightly bending the rules for a favourable outcome. All he cared about was that he hated her. He hated the way the governor had foisted her on them, as babysitter; as spy; as replacement. All he cared about was that she was there and Kono wasn't.

He had betrayed Kono. It hurt him to think of his protégée, cast adrift, alone, with no-one to protect her. It hurt him to know that everyone despised her. He knew it was unfair, but the only way he could help her now was to ignore her. He'd done what he could - he'd pleaded with the governor, over and over, to let her go - but in the end, the only lifeline he'd been given had been from Fryer. To Fryer, ever the opportunist, Kono was a gift, one he could use in a sting that would bring down every corrupt cop in HPD. It was risky - it could very well be the death of her - but there was no other chance to clear her name and Steve had reluctantly allowed his objections to be overruled. Now, her cover was his only concern, and if his pretended indifference made the others think him a hard uncaring bastard, then so be it. It made it easier, in the long run.

He didn't have to turn around to know that Chin-Ho's face was impassive, as always. If ever there was a man who could understand what Steve had done - what Steve was going to do - it was Chin, but Kono's predicament lay between them now, and Steve knew only too well that Chin hated him for the way he had discarded her. He could feel Chin's disapproving glare every time they passed each other, and he knew it would be a long, long time before Chin forgave him, even when the full story came out, even if Kono survived. If she didn't ... well, he would have to live with that and weep in silence.

Danny moved closer, as if seeking reassurance and Steve closed his eyes for a moment, registering the heat, the scent, the small sounds that told him exactly where Danny was. He was always aware of Danny. In a different world, without Rachel, without DADT, they would have been lovers, and even now they were as close as two men could be without sex. Of all of them, Danny knew him best. He knew that Steve had never loved killing for its own sake, he knew the price he paid every night for the lives he'd taken, the men he'd lost, the unintended casualties they hadn't been able to prevent. Danny knew, and yet even Danny couldn't really understand.

He'd betrayed Danny worst of all, he knew that. Danny had spent a year trying to teach him civilian rules, to keep him safe (he knew that now), and Steve had ignored him. By stealing, by breaking in, by confronting the Governor alone - he had gone against everything Danny believed in. His actions had destroyed the team, and Danny, the fool, had forgiven him. Danny had stayed in Hawaii instead of following his family back to Jersey. Danny had fought tooth and nail to get his worthless ass out of prison. And how had Steve repaid him? He'd used Danny to keep Lori away from him because he couldn't stand being in the same room as her.

He had to go further. He couldn't let Danny be Wo Fat's next target. He had to push Danny away, turn that easy friendship and affection into fear, into resentment, into hate. He had to change himself back into something that Danny couldn't love, something Danny couldn't even respect, something repellent. This demonstration was just the first step.

He stood there, in front of Danny and Chin, grateful that they couldn't see his face. He could feel their reactions, though, as they watched the screens; watched laser sights and bullets find their targets; watched man after man fall to the ground, dead or wounded. He knew they were finally making the connection between the men on the screens and the man in the room.

They had always joked that he knew a dozen ways to kill with a paper clip. Now they knew it wasn’t a joke. It wasn’t funny. He was a trained killer, nothing more, nothing less. What he did daily with Five-0 was a shadow of his former work. Now they knew what a hard edged, killing machine he was, and he could feel the fear in their words.

"You do this stuff?" whispered Danny.

"I can neither confirm nor deny."

He felt Danny's withdrawal, and clenched his jaw.

He was a machine, emotionless and cold. He had no friends, no family, no one worth hurting.

Alone.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Not Alone](https://archiveofourown.org/works/265467) by [alassenya](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alassenya/pseuds/alassenya)




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